I was sprawled across my bed face up like an unlucky starfish on a hot beach, watching my ceiling fan spin trying to think of everything else but him. The ceiling fan was rudely drying out my contacts and making my tears colder as they dropped quickly from the corner of my eyes into my ears.. it felt funny. It felt funny to be in this position again, it felt funny that this position had snuck up on me. I didn’t apply for it. Yet, I took on the role quick like an interim director for a non-profit. I was eagered, pleased, impressed and thirsty. That disguised thirst though.. the one that the corporate black, strong women have mastered, the one that only sprinkles notes and hints of desperation all while masking the deep desire to be attached. The one that marries you in her mind at first meeting, loves you within a month but suppresses as her eternal clocks clicks to the rhythm of heartbeats for you. Yeah, that shit was beyond me and I could not begin to even understand how I fell again, after knowing what not to fall for and so deep in hope with this black ass man. I had lost myself in romanticized scenarios of us this time next year. I had slowly but surely stop pursuing me and I didn’t even intend to. I just became distracted. Distraction has it pros and cons and many times we don’t like to admit when we are distracted in a negative way. I had set some goals for myself, I was doing great and sometimes when we meet people in pursuit of our happiness it comes to an un-noticeable halt! We begin to focus on them and they begin to focus on us that the positive part is we focus on this new entity but not our individual selves any longer. Sometimes we gain weight “happy weight” we call it. Sometimes we develop new habits and sometimes just sometimes we forget who we are. They key is to be with someone who encourages you STILL as an individual and those goals you had pre-Them. Nothing wrong with growing together but continue to grow yourself. o six months..I took longer than that but I’m telling you six month tunnel vision can easily complete a year or two worth of goals in no time. It’s not that I’m against relationship because I’m not but sometimes a solo sabbatical is badly needed. No intimate connections, no friend with benefits..just you and your damn mind, body, soul and close knit circle. Make connections, learn new things and build your brand because honestly we all have one! In six months I accomplished some big things, in one year I had plans in place to accomplish more. When I was more so relationship focused and worried about that, I moved at a lot slower pace because my time was being directed somewhere else. Many of us have things we want to do but we are procrastinating and showing up for events instead of creating them..become self empowered in tunnel vision.I started doing what I dreamed once I believed and implemented the steps towards those dreams. We really can do whatever we want with consistency, research, networking and progressive movement. I promise you that!We have to stop thinking we can’t make it if we aren’t attached, we have to stop being half ass attached and attached to people that distract us from being our better selves. We have to stop making excuses for not starting and we have to believe that we can do everything that we’ve envisioned for ourselves..we have to become okay with what we alone can do for ourselves and know that relationship only enhances that. I preach this to everyone but specifically the black woman, we are so naturally nurturing and rescue minded that we sacrifice way more than we solitude and that’s our problem..distractions have birthed unplanned children, caused unplanned heartache, begat unplanned struggle and have eaten so much of our time. Black women plan, plan your time! Make time for you and your household and plan to progress all that you’re connected to by first progressing yourself..Make yourself proud! Family is beautiful, marriage is beautiful but don’t you want to enter that as your best self..not saying that there isn’t always something to learn but don’t you want to be great before a mate? I did, I do and I am.
Peace and Blessings...
Be about yourself for a while..